Guess Blogger: Vontrail Passmore (Prov. 3:5-6)
As if I could tell you what’s best for you… After running in the same direction, consistently hitting your head a few times, you’ll eventually realize there’s a better way. Just like I realized prior to my decision to follow Christ. At first, I was in awe of His very presence that came over me when I was 15 years old. After a troubling time in my life, facing physical & emotional abuse at the age of 13, God showed me that at a young age I was truly in need of Him. Even after receiving Christ, I still went to clubs & would find myself dating guys just because I was searching for the one, possibly the comfort of being with someone. I couldn’t stand the feeling of not being able to share my hopes, dreams & secrets with anyone special. I didn’t find that in my own family life. School & friends became the highlight of my life. My junior year of high school to be exact.
Around that time, I had decided that I wouldn’t let nothing or no one steal the ounce of joy that I found in my relationship with Jesus. I was determined to work hard in my studies & find myself somewhere better in life than what I was used to. The first guy I dated after being saved showed me how a girl should be treated & cherished. Not sure if he, himself was a born-again Christian, but he was very mannerable & exuded great spiritual characteristics. We would stay up late nights on the phone conversing about our future life together as husband & wife. Up until he decided to leave me after a few months of dating for “the popular girl” in school. My world was crushed. I had placed so much of my hope & faith in this guy & he just left me heartbroken. That didn’t stop me, even after that incident, I began to date even more in hopes of finding the one. I believed in true love & that I would fall in love with a great guy one day & he’d love me no matter what. But it was just that. I can recall writing a letter to God telling Him that I want to find & fall in love with a guy & that we get married soon after.
In 2005 was when I dated the guy that would change my perspective on dating & finding the one. I gave this guy a lot of what I was storing with my relationship with Christ & he did the same thing the other guys had done. That guy was the counterfeit to who God would place in my life soon after. That was the final straw (so I thought). I had allowed this relationship to distract my attention from my studies & even more importantly, my relationship with Jesus. I had enough of the disappointment to a point that I decided to just not date for awhile until this guy who had been my good friend for some years expressed how much he was in love with me. God was showing me that He had been preparing the right guy all along, but I wasn’t patient enough to see. The crazy thing is that this guy wasn’t my type at all (at first), but he possessed qualities in a guy that I would marry someday and not to add, he was handsome and very much like the good guy I had dreamed of. I was so used to the tough guy exterior. But this guy was the perfect gentleman & was the 1st guy to open doors, buy flowers & actually take me out on dates. Hmmm, all without me even asking. Oh and ladies, never initiated sex! Wow, he must be the man of my dreams I thought. I over-analyzed everything, he could be just the guy I always prayed for and even more.
But …the mistake occurred when I let the hurt & built in frustration take the best of me that I would flood this guy’s life with all my baggage from my previous relationship. To top it off, I just knew that it would only take that for him to throw up his hands and walk out of my life, but he didn’t he stayed. Be careful how you direct your emotions, because they can mess up a good thing. I had lost so much hope in myself, that even when this guy would pray with me and read scriptures, I wouldn’t budge, I didn’t feel like I deserved a guy like him (it was something I wasn’t used to). I thought this has got to change. It did. I broke up with him seeing that he could find someone who had it all together and could be all that for him & more. After all, he deserved it. In the back of my mind I had hopes of being that guy’s wife and he being my husband so much to where I would try again & mess up, again. In 2010, I said that’s it, I can’t do this, I can’t love you like you deserve to be loved, heck, I don’t know if I even love myself anymore. He hung in there for some time and eventually he let go. The hardest thing I had to face because he was my best friend. I dated a couple other guys that couldn’t come close to what I’ve found to be the one! I trust that God has a way of restoring what was once meant to be a blessing to me.
Now, I find myself in the place where God wanted me all along. In His presence, surrendering my will & heart toward His. In the proper time, everything will indeed fall in place. My lack of trusting His timing is what caused me to rush into the next relationship after another trying to control things on my own. The same God that created the heavens and the earth, has repaired my heart and has the power to direct my path. My focus from this moment forth is to serve Him while patiently waiting on the day He sees fit that I marry. I’m in love with Jesus because even when I neglected to keep my affections on Him, He was still there holding my hand and pulling at my heart into the right direction. He never left me and reminds me everyday the reason He came many years ago to die for me, because I was worth it. My joy comes in knowing that God’s love story for my life has already been written and it begins with Jesus. I will wait for the guy that sees that same worth and will the pay the price for me called marriage.
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